You Gotta Be Joking
by Rondabunny
Summary: Once Sherlock was beaten by The Woman. Can he be beaten by the child? Read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**You Gotta Be Joking**

**by Rondabunny**

Returning back home to the Baker Street 221b Holmes was absolutely satisfied with himself. The case was solved, tomorrow he will give the evidence to the astonished client with simple but very clear explanation and voila. On the other hand, he will have to wait for another interesting case which wasn't so pleasing, though he could continue his examination of characteristic of a bullet damage caused by firing underwater from different kind of weapons. The myth of the bullet killing a person underwater has nearly been discredited. Sherlock walked upstairs, took off his coat, hanged it and his hand reached for the evidence in his pocket and stopped abruptly. It felt in the pocket for some time, even turned it out but nothing. The evidence was gone. The detective frowned, sat in his armchair and started thinking where he might have lost it, though the idea was quite absurd. His mind travelled along the streets of London looking at people passing by, marking all the little details and suddenly he sprang up with the words:

"_It is impossible!"_

At this very moment he grabbed his scarf and coat and immediately ran away leaving a very amazed Mrs. Hudson downstairs staring through the window at his silhouette moving down the street.

In the evening Holmes came home overwhelmed by the failure to find what he was looking for.

"_Unbelievable!"_ he exclaimed storming the room and plopping on the sofa without taking any of his outerwear off. _"Like a needle in a bottle of hay!"_

"_What?" _Dr. Watson asked slightly distracted from reading the evening newspaper.

"_The grey-eyed girl, dressed in an elegant lavender coat, woolen tights, and high leaver black boots with lacing." _Holmes explained.

"_I thought you were searching the documents that were stolen by some kind of manager from an international company." _John said nonchalantly.

"_I've got the documents until I came home at lunch today. She took them, no one else could!"_ He responded furiously.

"_Wait a second, you've met a girl who was smart enough to take the documents from you and you haven't noticed? Who is she another Miss Adler?"_ Now Watson was really interested in this person.

"_Adler has blue eyes."_ He answered crustily ignoring his friend's comment.

"_Has blue eyes? She's dead more than a year. I remember giving you her phone when Mycroft gave me the files and now you're telling me that she has blue eyes instead of 'had'."_

"_Oh, it's a slip of the tongue! Don't find fault in all of my words! I need to find this girl no matter what!"_ Sherlock deflected knowing quite well where THE WOMAN was right now.

"_So, how did she flash you that you can describe her in detail but didn't see how she took the documents away?"_ He asked partially puzzled partially mocking at Holmes.

"_I think she did it by mistake a little girl about 8 or 9 years-old. Maybe she bet with her fiends that she will pick the pocket of a stranger and he won't notice it."_ Sherlock supposed.

"_You're saying that you've been robbed by a little girl?" _This became more and more unusual.

"_She didn't look like a beggar or a vagabond or any orphan child that's wandering the streets. She stumbled passing by and I was quick enough to hold her not to fall. She apologized, said she was following her mother and disappeared in the crowd." _He replayed the incident again and again.

"_I'm sorry but this is the ABC of pick-pocketing."_

"_John, I know this. That's why I excluded all other people that I saw today in the streets." _He replied still irritated with himself. _"Fine, I have to inform our client that I'm on the right way."_

John could hardly hide his laughter looking at the very annoyed face of the detective.

"_It can be true!"_ Sherlock passed from one corner to the other of his room in the morning. His breakfast tea and toasts were completely forgotten.

"_What? This girl turned to be from a royal family?"_ Dr. Watson was standing in the doorway ready to leave for his shift at the hospital.

"_No, either she is manipulated by an intelligent adult or she has IQ above average, if it's of course 'she'."_

The latter comment made John think: _"It seems to me incredible Sherlock Holmes loses his grip. A child that fooled the unsurpassed detective, I think, that would be worth reading." _

"_I promise that today in the evening this…" _He stopped for a second slightly confused but immediately continued, - _"child will be our guest."_

**Somewhere in the East End of London,**

He saw the child in the street. She was disguised like a boy in jeans, parka and a baseball cap. Her hair was covered by the cap. She was helping a currier who brought some kind of products to a small shop when she noticed Holmes walking along the street and looking at her. Without hesitation she ran.

"_Hey, Billie! Wait!"_ the detective cried but she didn't stop.

They were running for several minutes when the child realized that the man is coming closer. So, she turned into a narrow side street and disappeared in the house. The chase continued till the roof, then to the other roof. Holmes noticed the easiness of all her movements. She jumped and climbed, clutched at jogs and maneuvered bypassing the roughness of the area. He had just to stretch a hand and he would take her by the collar but without hesitation she jumped down a two-storied building. He watched her crushing with a thud on the pavement. She rolled, let out a short and painful yelp and ran away. He knew that it would be stupid to follow her because until he would get down from this building she would be long gone.

"_Damn!"_ he uttered hastily.

It took him and his army of homeless four hours to find her shelter. She was hiding in the building adjoining the bakery. Once it was a factory now just a deserted old building that was too damaged for homeless people to use it as a temporary dosshouse. You couldn't get inside it except through a small hole in brickwork too narrow for an adult but big enough for a child to fit. The only other way to its basement was through the bakery which, of course, she never used. When she heard the sounds of steps she sat still. It would be silly to escape. She already knew that somebody was staying outside in case if she wanted to escape.

"_Hello, Billie,"_ Sherlock said appearing in the dim light left from a small bulb that illuminated the place. _"Or maybe Kate or Betty?"_

"_I was named after the queen," _she pronounced.

"_I strongly doubt it, nevertheless, nice to meet you. Smart shelter. The heating pipe from the bakery is long enough to warm this wall, you have here the light, oh, and you can even cook food." _Sherlock paid attention to the two bared wires jutting out from the wall and an electric fryer. _"Very smart!"_

"_I wouldn't say so," _the child replied.

"_Why?"_

"_You're here. If you need your stupid purse it's over there." _She showed him the box in the corner. _"By the way, why do you have a woman's purse?"_

"_It isn't mine. I carry mine in the inset pocket. This was for my client."_ He found the needed purse in an amount of different wallets and fished out a flashcard that was made in a shape of an ordinary bank card. _"Why don't you sell credit cards? On the credit cards people have more than in cash. You could have your interest."_

"_Cash is enough for me. With credit cards I would be dependent on criminals. I don't wanna owe anybody anything." _She said. _"If it was all what you want then you may go. Thank you for the visit." _

"_You're wandering the streets for a short period of time. You have an eidetic memory and your IQ is above average because you used different names and disguise in different parts of the city. In the East End you look as a boy but in the center of London you're a girl from the rich family named Kate. You have various shelters in every part of the town. You've studied in a private school because of your excellent English and gymnastic skills but something happened and you ran away from home. You try hard to live on your own but as a child you don't have many possibilities to be independent, so you already started degrading. You may last this way for one or two weeks because the winter is coming, like it or not, but you'll have to ask some adult for help." _He concluded.

"_Thank you for an excellent observation of my present and prospects of my future, though I would like you to leave me alone." _She asked him almost politely.

"_Soon you won't be able to shove through that hole."_

"_Like Alice in Wonderland I will take a shrinking potion,"_ she mocked.

"_Come with me, I'll try to help."_

"_Uh-huh, you'll put me in some kind of orphanage or in some stupid foster family. Go away, I don't need your help." _

"_Listen, with the broken arm you won't be able to pick pockets. It is the mid of November. Tomorrow will be snowing, in few days you will realize that you need help." _Sherlock tried to convince the silly girl.

"_Why do you need this?"_ She asked suspiciously.

"_You're an interesting specimen. Besides, you may help me with some experiments. I was always curious about the possibilities of human memory." _

"_So, I'm a guinea pig for you?"_

"_Consider it to be your payment for the room," _proposed the detective.

"_Will I have my own room?"_ the girl asked eagerly.

"_No,"_ followed the answer.

The child frowned but collected some of her things in the bag and went after the man.

**At the Hospital**

"_This is Betty, you know the grey-eyed girl I was searching. Though, I'm still not sure if it's her name. Can you take care of her hand while I'm meeting with the client and giving him the docs. She jumped from a two-storied building which was not very smart to do," _Sherlock pushed the girl into the examination room and immediately closed the door after him.

"_Dr. John Watson,"_ he introduced himself.

"_Elizabeth Smith. Nice to meet you."_

**221B Baker Street**

"_I made the bed downstairs. A girl can't sleep in one room with a man, especially, with your manners Sherlock,"_ Mrs. Hudson said firmly.

"_Why? Is he a pedophile?"_ the child inquired.

"_What? My God! Where did you pick up those awful words?!"_ the old woman said disdainfully.

"_Street lexicon is much varied than that we are taught in the boarding schools, Mrs. Hudson."_ The girl replied.

"_Sometimes in the morning I like to wander naked in my room after shower. It helps me thinking."_ Holmes commented.

"_Why, garments weight upon your brain? I'd sleep downstairs with pleasure."_ She turned to Mrs. Hudson.

"_Interesting, is it your acerbic tongue or you're just citing some kind of a book? Children don't usually make jokes, especially, sarcastic jokes. Foolish, yes, but not sarcastic. I presume you've read it somewhere." _The man looked at the girl.

"_Have you already started your experiment?"_

"_What kind of experiment?" _Dr. Watson interrupted their dialogue.

"_He wants to understand the depth of my memorizing ability."_ She explained.

"_No, we'll begin tomorrow. Today you had a lot of adventures. It may damage the accuracy of the results." _Sherlock replied.

"_I'm not tired,"_ the kid deflected.

"_Good night, Betty." _The detective said firmly.

"_Good night, Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson."_ She went downstairs.

**I'm not sure if I should continue this piece. Please, review the story if you like or don't like it. It'll help me understand what to do further. Thank you! Merry Christmas!**


	2. Chapter 2

**You Gotta Be Joking**

**Part 2**

**by Rondabunny**

Dr. Watson opened the door and stopped in bewilderment amazed by the scene that evolved before him. The girl was sitting at the table and 'reading'. No, 'reading' wasn't the appropriate word for the process because she was scanning the pages with approximate time of 7 seconds per page. Her right arm was in plaster, so she used her left to turn over the pages. Poor table moaned under the weight of heaps of books on it. John Watson came closer to the table.

"_How to Understand Algebraic Notation", "My Best Games" by Karpov? All of these books are about chess?" _He opened one of them on chess and mathematical analysis, looked at the page full of formulas and closed it. _"Do you understand anything?" _He asked the girl and put the book on the other pile.

"_Sometimes sentences, sometimes even abstracts but mostly this is rubbish,"_ she said tiredly, took the book that was not long ago put by Dr. Watson on the other pile and put it back on its place.

"_Why then you reading all this…"_ he wanted to say something but remembered that he was standing before the child, _"stuff that you don't even understand?"_

"_Mr. Holmes told me that I must read all of this before he comes but in exact order as the books go one after another. Some of them are really easy. In others I don't understand a word. Nevertheless, maybe it will help me in the future because I remember every word and formula I read I just don't know how to apply them". _She shrugged her shoulders and continued looking through incomprehensible texts.

"_Where is Holmes?" _

"_Went to Inspector Lestrade. He thinks I'm pretending to be Betty Smith but in reality I'm someone else." _She answered innocently.

Sherlock Holmes was emboweling the police database looking for the girl who went six months ago. He made a photo of the child beforehand. She didn't notice because he did it with a hidden camera that was installed inside of his magnifying glass. It was very useful to have few video cameras in different objects. Sherlock always used them when he needed to find out more on his client. While the system was looking for the facial matches, Holmes was looking through the documents on children. Few hours later he jumped from his seat watching the article on the screen.

"_Is it a joke?!" _He exclaimed, printed the files and left the room in a hurry.

**221 B Baker Street **

The child was still reading the boring books when Holmes stormed into the room.

"_Irene Ashcroft a nine year old girl ran away from the Maudsley Mental Hospital for Children six months and one week ago. Mother died when she was five, father died a year ago. Step mother put her step daughter in the hospital because of the dysthymic depression. After four months of search the inconsolable mother found the disfigured body of her step daughter at the bottom of the river Thames. She couldn't overcome her grief and one week later immigrated to the USA. Of course, prudently taking away millions of pounds from the account of her prematurely passed away husband." _Holmes pronounced triumphantly.

"_Clap, clap, clap in honour of brilliant Sherlock Holmes. What now? Going to find ex-Mrs. Ashcroft and persuade her to take her step daughter back? If yes, I'm outta here." _The child warned.

"_You got to be joking, her name is Irene?"_ Watson looked at the girl when at Holmes when back at the girl and started laughing hysterically.

"_What so funny in my name?"_ the child asked confused and a little bit offended.

"_It seems that I'm lucky to meet people with this very name,"_ Sherlock responded coldly.

"_You had a client named Irene? Actually, it's a common name in Scotland and some other parts of Britain." _The girl explained.

"_A common Scottish name is Erin not Irene. Irene is a Greek name and now the popularity of it is not as high as in the past. No, she wasn't a client. She was a criminal,"_ said the detective.

"_Yeah, a very intelligent one, who nearly wound the genial detective round her little finger,"_ added Dr. Watson.

"_I'm not a criminal. I pick pockets only to survive." _She disagreed with Holmes.

"_According to the law it's not a reason,"_ Sherlock said firmly. The girl pouted but remained silent.

**221 B Baker Street, in the evening**

"_Do you yield on purpose or you just can't apply knowledge you've gained today?" _asked the man delivering check and mate for the third time in a row.

"_You tell me, I'm a ten year-old how can I beat an adult?"_ she responded arranging chess pieces on the board.

"_You mean nine year-old,"_ Holmes corrected.

"_My birthday is in September. This means I'm already ten." _

"_Fine, let's call it a night. We'll continue tomorrow." _The detective looked at the girl who started yawing in the middle of the last game and made a lot of silly moves to end the game as quickly as possible.

"_Good night, Mr. Holmes,"_ she pronounced sleepily going to the door.

"_Good night, Irene."_

**Next morning:**

"_Sherlock, you should take care of this child. She can't live here. She must go to school and have somebody who would adopt her," _said Mrs. Hudson pouring the tea into the cups of the two gentlemen.

"_Mrs. Hudson, I think you are confusing me with a charity organization,"_ Holmes replied nonchalantly.

"_It was your idea to bring her here. Now you're responsible for her." _Mrs. Hudson couldn't calm down.

"_If you are so concerned about her maybe you can adopt her and there is an end to it,"_ the detective suggested.

"_No, it's impossible! I'm too old for that. Besides, I can't afford her living and I don't have time for it."_ She said firmly and retreated quickly.

"_Good afternoon, Mr. Holmes."_ When Dr. Watson saw the man who pronounced these words he choked on his cup of tea. It was already lunch time. The man wore old jeans, knitted sweater and worn-out shoes. The faded jacket hanged on him like it was too big for this man.

"_Mycroft, come in, please, Irene, this is Mycroft Blake my old friend." _Sherlock introduced his brother.

After two and half hours of chess Mycroft called it a day and went to talk to Sherlock.

"_Your impression?" _the detective addressed his brother.

"_She won two games of classical chess but lost two games of quick chess. You were right maybe this girl would be a good investment." _Mycroft replied.

"_So, what is the verdict?"_ Sherlock insisted.

"_I'll find a scholarship for her in the best private boarding school and you find a person who adopts her. I need some kind of adult to put donw in her documents as her foster parent."_ He told his younger brother and left.

Next day they met at a café. Sherlock gave Mycroft a paper with a name on it.

"_Hm, you have strange sense of humour but why not?" _Mycroft took the paper and disappeared in the limousine that was waiting for him.

By the end of the week Irene Ashcroft was placed in a good private boarding school for girls in a small town.

One month flew unnoticed. Sherlock and John were busy solving criminal puzzles and difficult situations for important people. They forgot about the child that once stayed in their house. Christmas passed in company of friends and jolly atmosphere. Everything changed at the Boxing Day when infuriated woman so inappropriately interrupted Sherlock when he was playing a beautiful tune on his violin.

"_How can you explain me this?" _a hand in the glove gave him the letter.

"_Are you a Christmas spirit or I drank too much egg-nog last night?"_ John asked looking with his eyes wide open at their visitor.

"_Who is she!"_ the woman ignored the doctor and was piercing the detective with her blue eyes that drove him mad every time.

Holmes' mind was working. The woman looked perfect as usual but this time he could read her. Her bag that didn't match her boots screamed of being in hurry, her make-up was casual and eyes spoke of a sleepless night, she came here by plane and her facial expression depicted worry and furry at the same time. If he didn't know her behavior of always being in control he would have told that she would come down on him.

Sherlock scanned the letter and grinned. The letter ran:

"_**Dear Ms. Adler,**_

_**We decided to forbid the access to the Internet for your niece for three months because of her improper behavior. She used the Internet to get access to porno sites which is strictly prohibited in such boarding school as ours. We can't deprive her of scholarship. She is a brilliant student and next semester we will transfer her into the 9**__**th**__** year but we strongly recommend you to call us and talk to the girl.**_

_**Mrs. **__**Wilkinson,**_

_**Wycombe Abbey School"**_

"_I'm surprised. How did she find out about her foster parent? I didn't give her any clue."_ Sherlock replied amazed by the letter.

"_How could you, bastard, write my name in the adoption papers! Why on Earth did you give them one of my addresses!"_ Irene hissed trying hard to keep calm and not to punch the man in the face.

"_You should agree that I couldn't write there my name or Mrs. Hudson's. Watson's credit story looks crooked. All the more she is a girl and she needs a woman to guide her. Besides, you owe me your life. I thought it would be a wise choice." _He explained calmly.

"_How old is she?"_ The woman asked coldly.

"_Ten," _followed the answer, _"She's smart. You can teach her a lot of things."_

At this very moment her swift fist touched his nose causing Sherlock to lose the balance.

"_This is for leaving a ten year-old at some stupid boarding school on Christmas!"_ she took the letter and stormed outside.

"_She broke my nose. She said she would avoid punching me in the face," _Holmes talked with a twang. He was lying on the floor gripping his nose with one hand which was bleeding heavily.

"_You played with her life. If I were in her shoes I would do the same," _John replied with a smirk.

"_Hate women!"_ Sherlock concluded taking a napkin from the table.

_**To be continued for one more chapter. **_

_**I'll be looking forward to your feedback.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**You Gotta Be Joking**

**Part 3**

**by Rondabunny**

**Wycombe Abbey School, the 27****th**** of December:**

"_Good morning, Irene. My name's Kate."_ The assistant opened the door for the girl.

"_Good morning, Ms. Kate, where are we going?" _

"_You'll see." _She winked at the girl and closed the door after the kid sat in the car.

In an hour she was standing in the hall of a wonderful, old mansion decorated with garlands, lights and an enormous Christmas tree. It was like a miracle. She felt herself almost at home in times when her father made every holiday special only for her.

"_Hello, Irene. You were looking for me."_ A pretty woman in light blue dress shook her hand.

The girl smiled: _"I was intrigued by Dr. Watson's blog and tried to find some information about you. After that the principal asked me into her office and we had a long and boring discussion about moral make-up of a modern teenager."_

"_So, don't you know?" _

"_Know what?" _The child asked again confused.

"_Mr. Holmes made me your foster parent. Ironic, isn't it?" _

The girl looked puzzled for a moment.

"_Disappointed?"_ Ms. Adler asked.

"_No, if Mr. Holmes supposed that you could be a good candidate for the role of a foster parent than there is nothing to worry about, isn't it?"_ the girl said wisely.

"_If, of course, it wasn't his silly joke,"_ the woman corrected her. _"What first breakfast or presents?"_

"_I would like breakfast first, thanks."_

"_Yes, you are a strange child."_

"_Why? I'm hungry. . Kate came too early and I didn't have the possibility to have anything. Breakfast can get cold but gifts don't go anywhere." _The child explained.

"_Strange but rational."_ The two Irenes went to the dining room to have their breakfast while Kate took girl's suitcase upstairs.

"_Mr. Holmes told you about me?"_ The kid asked taking a big bite of her toast.

"_No, I received a letter from the principal where she depicted your behavior in colors then I found out what Sherlock did." _She answered sipping the tea.

"_So, they needed somebody to inscribe as my foster parent otherwise they couldn't put me in that school. I'm sorry, they disturbed you. Actually, I can only guess what was on that site. They have special filter program that is used 'to secure children from inappropriate information'. At least now I know how to bypass it."_ The child grinned.

"_Do you like it? School I mean?"_

"_It's better than to roam the streets. I didn't go to school before. My father said that in school you grow dull. I only had tutors." _

Irene Adler examined girl's school uniform, her gestures and behavior. Before her sat a kid with childish behavior, she couldn't stop wiggling her feet, she put jam on her toast trying to paint a happy face on it but her eyes showed extreme sadness together with intelligence.

"_Did you make any friends?"_

"_And you?" _The child interrogated.

She definitely was good at asking questions Ms. Adler thought to herself. The girl was right, even a sociopath like Sherlock had a friend. What about her? Can she name anybody her true friend, her true love? Kate? Maybe she remained loyal for how many, three years by now. People saw in Irene Adler a beautiful woman, the greatest dominatrix and skilful enemy but a friend? The girl noticed woman's embarrassment if somebody could read that woman's face and she changed the subject.

"_Why did you buy so many presents?"_

"_I don't know what you are talking about. I bought only one. Others are from persons you already know." _

That was a lie. Little girl knew it because if Mrs. Hudson or Mr. Watson wanted to congratulate her they would have sent their gifts to school on Christmas but not two days later. She excluded Mr. Holmes from the list because when he was busy or considered that the thing was too unimportant he could forget about it completely. She was an experiment for him and after her abilities disappointed him he switched off quickly to more important cases.

The girl had to admit Irene Adler did everything to make presents look like they were from different people. The gift from Sherlock Holmes was the game of 'Scrabbles', from Dr. Watson several books about adventures of Jeeves and Wooster by P.G. Woodhouse, in the box from Mrs. Hudson she found a pretty knitted jacket with snowflakes on it. Irene's present for the girl was a lovely champagne organza polka dress with little black dots and a pair of beautiful leaver shoes. In this dress you could go to a ball or you could wear it to any occasion. Dad always bought his little daughter such dresses because very often they had some kind of events at home and she had to be there as his lucky charm. The biggest box held in it the most precious gift. It was from Kate Ms. Adler's assistant. It was the Beacon Hill Dollhouse Kit Construction with furniture and other accessories.

"_Wow!"_ the kid couldn't hide her emotions. _"Ms. Adler, these are too many gifts from one person."_

"_They are from different people."_ The woman stressed.

"_I have an eidetic memory. I remember horrible handwriting of Mr. Holmes and the round neat letters of Mrs. Hudson. Why did you buy them? You don't even know me. Besides, I can't take them to school. We don't have much private space to keep such things as a dollhouse." _She sighed in disappointment.

"_At least you may play with it here. Nobody must remain without a present on Christmas especially children,"_ Ms. Adler said softly.

"_But I don't have any presents for you."_ The child apologized.

"_Oh, believe me, you are the best surprise gift I had this Christmas," _the woman chuckled._ "Can you put on the dress? I need to know if I've chosen the right size."_

They had fun all the day. They talked, played, listened to music, made a snowman and had a great snowball fight. In the evening they played scrabbles which was really difficult for Irene Adler to play against "The Oxford English Dictionary" because the girl admitted that she read it at the age of eight. After a draw little Irene begged to go to bed. The woman tucked the blanket around the child and left the room.

"_What do you think about her?"_ Kate asked when the two women sat near the lit mantelpiece drinking late tea.

"_She is a child who wants to rush the time and become everything at once. This is very sad_." Irene pronounced.

"_Why?" _

"_She made that dollhouse but she didn't play with it. She always wants to speak equal to an adult. She chooses words, trying to look serious. Her lips are smiling but her eyes don't. This is the greatest tragedy for a kid. Instead of playing and making fun she loses the most beautiful time – her childhood. If Sherlock is an adult kid she is a child-adult." _Irene explained.

"_What are you going to do?"_

"_Nothing. I have only few days for her. After this short visit she'll go back to school." _The woman stood up and headed to her room.

Seven experiments, two boring arguments with TV-set, a visit of his "beloved" brother, one unimportant fraud and three days later Sherlock found himself playing chess with Irene in the Internet. After an hour he jumped from his arm-chair in disbelief. He lost two times in a row in classical and quick chess.

"_Whom am I playing with?"_ He wrote irritated.

"_Irene,"_ followed the answer.

"_Which one?" _

"_Come and find out." _An invisible hand wrote the address and disappeared from chat.

It was the 31st of December. People in different countries prepared to celebrate the New Year this evening. Ms. Adler thought where she could have been by now if she didn't have this kind of misfortune in a shape of a ten year old girl. In these three days they visited the museum, a theatre, a circus and a Christmas fair. Today the child asked to leave her at home because tomorrow she had to return to 'the strict security camp' as she called her boarding school.

"_Ms. Adler, I'm afraid we have a guest." _Kate woke up the woman.

"_My gosh, who can come at 7 o'clock in the morning? Nobody knows that I'm here." _She moaned but stood up and put on the dressing gown.

"_Well, somebody does."___Kate replied to the later comment.

She went downstairs and couldn't hide her surprise. Sherlock Holmes large as life was sitting on the couch in the hall.

"_Mr. Holmes, what are you doing here?" _The woman came closer folding her arms in front of her.

"_Oh, don't even make a scene that you're surprised. Did you help her to beat me at chess yesterday?"_ He looked at her scanning her dress, gestures and behavior.

"_Listen, I don't even understand what you are talking about. Yesterday we were at the Christmas fair. Irene was really tired and went to bed at 9 in the evening."_ She explained.

"_I played chess with her at 10 p.m. Don't even try to convince me that you didn't help her because a ten year old girl can't learn how to beat me in a month at chess. It's impossible. I'm better than Mycroft in this very game and better than any grand master."_ The last sentence looked more like a boast than a fact.

The situation amazed the woman.

"_Kate, please, wake up our little demon. I would like to understand what's going on. Would you like some tea, Mr. Holmes?"_ Irene turned to the detective.

"_Yes, please." _He said taking off his coat and following his host to the kitchen.

Within several minutes the girl appeared in the kitchen. She was in PJs and a dressing gown. Her wavy dark hair resembled a mess after tossing and turning during the night but in the whole a wicked light was playing in her foxy eyes.

"_Good morning,"_ said the little one innocently.

"_So, young lady, would you mind telling me, why you uncovered our location if I told you it could be dangerous?" _

"_Did you beat me at chess yesterday or it was some kind of a trick?" _These two phrases Ms. Adler and Sherlock Holmes spoke at the same time which amused the girl.

"_Can you repeat that more quicker but in unison again?"_ She grinned but her gaze bumped into the two incredibly serious looks of adults. _"Mr. Holmes won't tell anybody. And yes, I've learned how to play chess."_

"_Impossible, there are 10 to the 120 power of possible moves in a game of chess."_ Holmes pronounced firmly.

"_Let's play again."_ The child proposed.

"_Fine."_

"_With one condition." _

"_What kind of condition?" _This conversation became more and more interesting for the detective.

"_If I win you'll spend the whole day with Ms. Adler." _

Irene Adler raised one eyebrow.

"_What if you lose?" _Sherlock supposed.

"_You can choose your price." _The girl answered.

"_If I win you're going back to school immediately and you will never again disturb me or Ms. Adler."_ Holmes said evilly.

"_Deal."_ They shook hands in agreement.

"_Hey, maybe you would ask me if I want to spend a day with Sherlock Holmes or I like to get rid of this girl,"_ Ms. Adler interfered.

The man and the girl looked at her as if she was a piece of furniture.

"_Do you have a game of chess?"_ It was the only phrase Sherlock Holmes presented the woman with.

The girl was still sitting in her PJs with legs up on the couch.

"_Check and mate,"_ the childish voice exclaimed with the triumph and she started to jump on the couch.

"_Hate you!"_ He said in a temper.

In fight with tiredness and sleep the latter win and Holmes took the child upstairs and put in bed where Irene took off girl's shoes and covered the slumber small body with a blanket.

They were drinking champagne standing at the balcony and starring at snowflakes that were dancing in the night.

"_Do you understand that today brilliant Sherlock Holmes and skillful Dominatrix were beaten by a child?"_ Irene admitted the fact.

"_Today was an unusual but interesting day. Though, neither me nor you could stand it for much longer, don't you think?"_ Sherlock asked.

She just nodded her head.

"_Do you mind dancing with me?" _He invited.

"_With pleasure, Mr. Holmes." _

In the morning the girl and both adults were standing outside near the car where Kate was preparing everything for the girl's departure.

"_This is for you."_ Sherlock gave the child a small long box wrapped in red paper with a dark red bow. _"Open it later."_

"_Thank you, Mr. Holmes." _

"_Irene, this is for you. You may call me anytime you want."_ The woman handed the girl a mobile camera-phone.

"_Thank you, but we're not allowed to have mobile phones at school." _

"_You're a smart girl. You'll find where to hide it. Remember, anytime you'll have questions you may call me." _She hugged her. Sherlock opened the door and the child got into the car.

They were waving the farewell until the car disappeared.

The kid opened the box in the car and found small expensive woman's watch in it with a note: _"Don't rush you time"_ and the signature _"Sherlock Holmes"._ She smiled and put the watch on her wrist.


	4. Chapter 4

**You Gotta Be Joking**

**Part 4**

**by Rondabunny**

New class, a lot of subjects and busy days made the girl forget about her secret gift presented by the woman. She was overwhelmed to see several messages after two weeks at school.

"_How are you, sweety?"_

"_Sweety, I'll write you every Saturday."_

"_Do you mind answering, sweety?"_

"_Hello sweety, it's Saturday already."_

"_Ok sweety, write me if you want."_

Today was Sunday. The girl was hiding deep in the park near school. She was sitting on the tree and looking amazingly at the screen of her phone.

"_Hi, I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't check it. Was busy 4 awhile." _The child wrote.

She sat half an hour studying all the options the phone had when suddenly a message appeared.

"_Ok. Sweety, how's school?"_

"_Except for my roommate everything's good."_

"_Problem?"_

"_She's a glam. I'm a nerd. These two notions don't go together."_

"_Glam?"_

"_A popular, cunning, pretty thing who thinks that world is spinning around her."_

"_Become her, witty is sexy, you know." _The woman smiled. It reminded her about the first conversation she had with Holmes.

"_I'm nerdy and wanna remain that way."_

"_Then, don't cry when she hurts you, sweety."_

"_I won't," _replied the child stubbornly.

They chatted for some time until Irene had to go to have dinner in the school canteen. They talked this way every Saturday during two months.

The woman was busy flirting with a German diplomat on one of the high level receptions when the phone rang. She excused herself and answered it.

"_Good afternoon Ms. Adler, the principal Mrs. Wilkinson speaking. You should have known that the rules of our school prohibit our students to have their own mobile phones. Our students have other possibilities to communicate with their parents,"_ a strict, firm voice sounded in the receiver.

"_Good afternoon Mrs. Wilkinson. As I remember you denied Ms. Ashcroft access to the Internet. She is a child who is put in a hostile environment of teenagers much older than her. I hope you understand that the girl needs to speak to anyone who would listen to her at least once in a week." _Irene returned the civility.

"_Sure, Ms. Adler. I'll take into consideration your concerns and grant Ms. Ashcroft the access. Nevertheless, I return her phone at the end of the year." _The principal spoke.

"_Fair enough, Mrs. Wilkinson. Thank you. Can I talk to Ms. Ashcroft for a minute?"_

"_I'm sorry, Ms. Adler," _a very upset childish voice resounded on the phone.

"_It's ok, sweety. Read John's blog."_

"_I will,"_ the girl replied and the call disconnected.

Students at school got access to the Internet on their laptops or other digital devices only for 3 hours in the afternoon. It gave them the possibility to talk to their relatives, friends or other close people and it protected them from downloading files to cheat at the lessons. The Internet in the library had an internal web and if any student looked for the information from another source she had to make a request for it. It made the education process at school transparent. Clearly, if a student cheated it wasn't for long because squealing was encouraged. Only glams could afford themselves to cheat. They represented beauty, charm, cleverness and power, so everybody attained to their level.

Next day the girl searched the chat.

Whiphand: _"Who played dirty, sweety?"_

Switty:_ "Glam."_

Whiphand: "_Your e-mail?"_

Switty: _"foghog usual expansion"_

Whiphand: _"Out."_

The woman left the chat and opened one of recently made e-mail addresses. She didn't have the luxury to give some silly secret service trace her via Internet. During two months they have elaborated their type of discourse that only they could understand. The girl opened her mail:

"_Twit dandelion. Delete the box,"_ the letter ran.

Cheshire-kitty: _"Dandelion?:)"_

Dandelion: _"Yep."_

Cheshire-kitty: _"You're funny."_

Dandelion: _"Thank u. How r u?"_

Cheshire-kitty: _"Fine."_

Dandelion: _"I'll be away for a month or so."_

Cheshire-kitty: " "

Dandelion: _"I have to. I'll contact as soon as I can."_

Cheshire-kitty: _"OK."_

Dandelion: _"Neutralize glam or you will always have problems. Do it wisely. I'll be very disappointed if they drop you out."_

Cheshire-kitty: _"Easier said than done."_

Dandelion: _"Impress me. Fine, gotta go."_

Cheshire-kitty: _"Take care, OOOO."_

Dandelion: _"xxx ;)"_

She didn't contact neither in a month nor in month and a half. It agitated the girl. Once looking through his e-mail on the Baker Street Sherlock found an unusual message.

"_Mr. Sherlock, is Ms. I fine?" _Sherlock wasn't surprised because 'Ms. I' as the intruder called her told him to monitor the situation with the girl but he wouldn't be Sherlock Holmes if he didn't filter that information and completely forget about it.

"_She is great, don't worry. She might be occupied for two more months, though." _He answered.

The man completely ignored the next letter from little Irene where she asked about his state, Mrs. Hudson, Dr. Watson and other inhabitants of London. He was head over heels investigating a mysterious murder. That is why, such trivial things as his health or everyday life of Mrs. Hudson didn't stir him at all.

Summer came unexpectedly as well as the end of the school year. A strange black car with tinted glass windows approached to Wycombe Abbey School and it turned out that Irene was sitting in this car with some strange woman who always checked something on her phone.

"_The infamous Irene Ashcroft, first place in the Maths World competition, different awards in Chess competitions, the Gaudeamus International Interpreter Award, presentations at various student conferences, ten detentions and constant misbehavior not to mention the fact of an attempt to penetrate MI6 database from the private laptop. What was that a spring aggravation?" _The woman looked at the girl with a smirk.

"_Do I know who you are?" _The girl faked a smile.

"_Mr. Holmes's assistant." _

"_What happened to Dr. Watson? Died unexpectedly?" _The child said nonchalantly.

"_Mycroft Holmes's assistant."_ The woman corrected herself.

"_Wonderful and your name is…" _Irene said teasingly.

"_Anthea."_

"_Finally!"_ she rolled her eyes. _"Why is Mr. Holmes Senior interested in my humble personality?" _She asked curiously.

"_You've got a good potential to serve the crown in the future." _Anthea answered as a matter of fact.

"_Oh, that's why you let that poor girl be expelled if you knew that it was me who hacked the MI6 system!"_ the girl exclaimed.

"_Why did you do it in the first place if you didn't download the information?" _

"_It was a challenge for me. I wanted to try if I can do it,"_ the kid explained simply.

"_Your challenge caused Mr. Holmes a day of a headache to settle the problem and make you remain above suspicion." _The woman blamed her interlocutor.

"_What if I don't want to serve the crown? Will Mr. Holmes sell me to the Serbs as he sold Ms. Adler in 2004?"_

"_Oh, that's what you were looking for. Don't be too sentimental. Irene Adler in your adoption papers doesn't mean anything. It was Sherlock Holmes joke to place the dead person into them. We could have just as well written Tutankhamun in it." _

The girl remained silent. Anthea didn't know about Irene or she was just making her believe that they are so ignorant?

"_So, what concentration camp Mr. Mycroft Holmes sending me to?" _She teased.

"_You won't survive a concentration camp but 221 B Baker Street will do fine." _

"_Does Mr. Holmes Jr. know about my arrival?" _the kid couldn't hide her surprise.

"_I don't think so,"_ was the answer and the rest of the trip continued in silence.

Mrs. Hudson was really excited to see the girl again. She hugged her, prepared the room of Dr. Watson who was now living with his wife and baby daughter for Irene and spent the whole evening asking the child about her school year. Sherlock was in Scotland and came only two days later after Irene's arrival. He looked at the girl's fragile form cuddled with a book in his favourite armchair. This fact alerted him the most. Her hair was longer but she still looked childish as if she didn't put an inch during this half a year period.

"_Did anybody tell you, that it's impolite to sit in the host's arm-chair?" _He greeted the girl putting his travel bag on the couch.

"_I'm glad to see you too, Mr. Holmes."_ She smiled at him.

"_Whom should I praise for such a pleasure?"_ the detective sat on the chair.

"_Mr. Mycroft Holmes supposed that you'd be an excellent baby-sitter."_ The kid grinned evilly.

"_For how long?"_

"_Summer holidays I think."_ She shrugged her shoulders honestly.

"_What?! Is it some kind of a joke?!" _Sherlock was definitely taken aback.

"_Ask your brother. Maybe he tells you something intelligible. Sorry, it's already late. Good night, Mr. Holmes." _She stood from his arm-chair and left the room taking the book with.

Next day after Dr. Watson's visit Sherlock watched the girl sitting at the table sipping tea. He studied her behavior the whole day but couldn't detect what has changed because something surely has. Maybe because she was too calm or talked unwillingly about her school or her distant gaze as if her body was present here but her mind was miles away. He didn't understand what was wrong when suddenly it struck him.

"_You're smoking,"_ he exclaimed.

"_Hm, sorry what?"_ The kid frowned.

"_You're smoking!"_ Now he sounded 100% sure.

"_I'm drinking tea as you can see. Did you drink too much coffee with Dr. Watson? You seem somehow delirious."_ She mocked at him.

"_You use breath mints, your hands are shaking, you're trying to cover the smell with the perfume which girl at your age doesn't need at all and…" _He approached the girl and bent. _"Your hair smells of cherry cigarettes!"_

"_You are making this up!"_ the kid frowned even more.

"_If I now go to your room will I find them?"_

"_Of course not!"_ She denied the accusation.

"_Will you bet?"_ He reached out his hand to place a bet but the girl refused. _"Why do you smoke?"_

There was no reason to deny the fact anymore.

"_Because I like it."_ She hissed.

"_Like it or you're already addicted?"_ Sherlock continued the interrogation. He knew that children were curious. It was a desirable pleasure to try something new because they hadn't tried it ever in their lives but with Irene it was another situation. The detective was quite sure that the girl knew all the negative consequences as he knew them all and quit that deteriorating habit by using nicotine plasters but her behavior puzzled him.

"_Please, don't play a concerned parent. It doesn't suit you." _She took her empty cup and started to wash it ignoring the concerned look of the man.

Next week resembled a game of hide and seek. Mr. Holmes confiscated the cigarettes, made the girl read all the books with horrible vivid pictures of human bodies damaged by different doses of nicotine, blocked her credit card that Ms. Adler so generously left the girl, asked Dr. Watson and Mary to brainwash the child on every aspect of the negative impact of smoking but all his efforts were in vain. Every time she found a way to smoke. When in the end of the week he smelled in the air a slight scent of cherry it pissed him off. He threw at the unsuspecting child the first object that his hand gripped which was a measuring cylinder that flew an inch away from the girl's temple which startled her a little.

"_Are you mad?" _She jumped from her seat on the couch.

"_You tell me!"_ He hissed angrily. _"Why are you doing this?! You're not a smoker. We both know it. You don't have problems with your health. You understand what consequences it may cause. So why are you doing it?!"_ Sherlock Holmes was nearly shaking with anger.

"_Because I want to…"_ She murmured staring at him with a challenge.

In one jump he was beside her. The detective grabbed her by the hand, pulled downstairs and locked in Mrs. Hudson's closet. Fortunately, Mrs. Hudson went to her old friend for several days and nobody could prevent this small outburst of violence. When the man sat and dialed a message.

"_I don't know where you are but if you don't take her off my hands I'll put her in an orphanage." _

In the morning he found a reply.

"_Kate will take her at 11 a.m. Why, the great Sherlock Holmes was defeated by a child again?" _If he saw her face right now he was sure he would see her smirking.

_**I thought I would prolong it for a few more chapters. Please, comment**_


End file.
